Criticature: "Scream 4" (2011)

With the exception of a couple admittedly well-thought-out little twinkles, this self-aware reboot of a decade-old franchise is like that guy you'll sometimes see in a bar or a nightclub. The one wearing the gold chain necklace and has just a tuft of chest hair strategically exposed. The one leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette or playing with a poker chip...

Criticature: "Enter the Void" (2009)

Described by its creator as a “psychedelic melodrama”, the mammoth festival cut of Gaspar Noé's “Enter the Void” is at once a profound meditation on the human perception of death as well as an utterly unwatchable piece of indulgent Eurotrash nonsense. Combined, the two experiences make for a flawed masterpiece.

For anyone who has cared to check out the one or two previous films to the director’s credit you are aware that he does not shy away from the disturbing or the ugly. But if you’re aware of that then you’re probably aware of how memorable his camerawork is too.

‘Dizzying’ would be putting in lightly.

Criticature: "Ondine"

Though this be a modern-day fairy tale, it hardly feels like one. The title character of this film—who goes by the name “Ondine” (a play on the water elemental of the same name in German folklore)—winds up tangled in the net of a fisherman (Farrell) and, as luck would have it, the two fall in love.

 It sounds like the stuff of an olde sea shanty but the style and a couple of contrivances make it anything but. And where serendipity begins, confusion soon follows.

Criticature: "Blue Valentine"

Since Ryan Gosling has had such a great year I have no qualms about the mediocrity of this drama. I heard a lot of buzz about this movie and, in honor of Valentine’s Day, it just seemed appropriate that I take it for a spin. I went in knowing that it is “depressing” (according to some friends) but I decided to give it a go, what with my penchant for masochism and all.

As if it wasn’t clear already, I was pretty underwhelmed by the resolution. But that just might be because I’m a sour-puss.

Criticature: "Starter for 10"

Writing negative criticism is fun. I admit that much. It’s definitely more fun than writing something that is gushy and overflowing with praise. And it is precisely for such reasons that the following review of Tom Vaughn’s charming college-bound coming-of-age tale is only going to be somewhat amusing. Because that is what the movie is.

In step with a wave of nostalgic 80’s-themed retrospectives of the last decade or so, “SFT” follows whiz-kid Brian Jackson (McAvoy) during his freshman year at Bristol as he attempts to prove his worth, both to himself and to his romantic pursuits, on the quiz show University Challenge.

Criticature: "Darkman" - 9/22/10

I remember the first time I saw an ad for “Darkman”. I was about…oh, say 10 or 11? Granted, the comics I was reading at the time were about four or five years older than I was, but it was during this time, flipping through dog-eared copies of Alien spin-offs, that I first set my impressionable eyes on the Struzan-esque image of Peyton Westlake, in relief against a wall of industrial flame and shadow.

Criticature: "Patriotism" ----8/21/10

You want me to put the sword where?!

 There’s not much by way of major spoilers so I’ll just tell you what this is about: after a failed military coup, an Imperial Japanese Army officer and his wife both kill themselves as per the dictates of ritual suicide. In other words: seppuku. That’s an almost unbelievably agonizing slice across the belly and—stamina willing—a final cross cut from the apex of the rib cage to the groin.

Now, I’m oft-conflicted about admiring a work such as Mishima’s. On the one hand, artistically, you can’t really argue with it. And though it’s short—running at almost half an hour—I’m compelled to laud the complexity which arises through that simplicity.

Criticature: "Big Fan" -- 8/11/10

Wait a minute...this isn't Jersey Shore!?

I’m going to be upfront with you, dear reader. I am not “a sports guy”. Though I’d like to be, I’ve found I have neither the knack for or the kind of passion needed to sustain such a love. But that’s not to say it’s somehow invalid of my respect and admiration; this idea of competition. The clash of titans. Autumn thunder and such. But the debut film “Big Fan” by Robert Siegel (who penned a similarly gritty drama, “The Wrestler”, back in 2008) is not about any heavyweight athlete. Ironically it’s about one of the ‘little people’ that follows the titans. A fan.

Criticature: "Blast of Silence" - 7/2/10

Say 'goodnight'.

Like Stanley Kubrick’s “The Killing”, Allen Baron’s little gem is part of criminal cinematic lore. It’s short, precise and knowing and works with a confidence big enough to match its lack of budget. Though the first-time writer/actor/director went on to be known primarily for his work in TV—namely “Charlie’s Angels” and “The Dukes of Hazzard”--“Silence” is often overlooked when it comes to the gangster genre. And unjustifiably so.

Criticature: "Despicable Me"--7/18/10

Last Airbender, shshaaw!

 If I have kids I know, right now, that they’re going to have to be ugly ones. I want them to be ugly and maybe even somewhat uncouth. Not problem children. Just…easily punishable. I say that now because unless I change within the next, oh, say ten to fifteen years, I might be in big trouble since I find that it’s nearly impossible for me to find fault in something that’s cute. It’s even harder to try and tell that cute thing its doing something wrong. It’s a very troubling matter for me. So…if I end up having cute kids one day, watch out. They’re probably going to be mischievous conniving bastards because I won’t be able to discipline them correctly.

Criticature: "Toyko Drifter"---- 7/5/10

Pee-Wee Herman by way of Jet Li?

 The story is simple and yet it’s really not. I mean, it’s reeeeally not.

One of the most nonsensical gangster movies you’ll ever see, we jump right into the thick of things as ex-gangster “Phoenix” Tetsu tries to absolve himself of his criminal past. Of course things could never be that easy for a former gangster. So, in a glorious little black-and-white prefatory remark in which Tetsu is promptly beaten for his troubles, we’ve received our first enticing invitation from Japanese cult master Seijun Suzuki.

From there, it’s a telescopic flight through the looking glass as Tetsu finds himself on the run from rivaling Yakuza big-wigs who’d rather see him wear bullets than his blue-suede threads.

Criticature: "Scarlet Street" - 3/9/10

This is literally the quintessential gold digger movie. Doused in shadows and lit with the passionate flames which fuel the greed of a conniving young couple (Dan Duryea and Joan Bennett), the sorry sap of a bank accountant in mid-life crisis being taken for the proverbial ride is at once recognizable and no less palatable now than it was then. And I mean that in the best way!

Criticature: "Suicide Club" - 2/22/10

The movie kicks off with a mass suicide of 54 teenage girls on a train station platform and you pretty much get the gist of what's gonna happen next. Made of two disparate halves, the first being excellently atmospheric and thematically jarring, this hypersensitive horror/crime thriller tries to get metaphorical on us but only leaves us confused, bewildered and a little angry in its last information-depriving moments. Good for a kick or two though if you don’t mind a little “WTF” with your saké.

Criticature: "Fury" - 2/22/10

Seeing Spencer Tracey this young is honestly a little disconcerting. But in seriousness, speaking to the director’s own sordid flight from Nazi Germany in 1933, Fritz Lang’s social issue movie about a man wrongfully-accused against a lynch mob is at once resonant, chilling and passionately constructed. His first film in a repertoire of Hollywood movies that harkens the birth of American film noir, “Fury” has not only aged well, but has done so in a way that only further accentuates the beauty and ugliness of its time-honored truth, storybook ending or no.

Criticature: "Zombieland" - 2/12/10

Fantastically upright little gem of a movie. If you’re tired of seeing the same damn teen sex comedy again and again and…again, then I suggest biting into this clever spin on an old formula. This is America’s long-awaited response to “Shaun”.

Yay: If you like amusement parks, genre-benders, Ghostbusters or you just like your nerds armed and dangerous.
Nay: If you hate Twinkies, blood or creativity.

Criticature: "From Paris with Love" - 2/12/10

Though there’s some great dialogue and some well-staged bravado, an unintentionally distracting schmaltziness smothers what would otherwise be a chemically-imbalanced buddy action pic. Hats off to Besson and Morel for giving it a shot though. Leave it to the Americans to make gunplay and friendship one in the same. An even more solid nod to Travolta for a solid return to characters that retain their testicles (or other similarly functioning equipment).

Yay: If you think Keffiyehs are a fashion statement.
Nay: If you have a hard time swallowing the fact that Jonathan Rhys Meyers is supposed to pull off “bookish”.