Review: "Tales from Earthsea"

So I think I’m one of the few people who saw “Cars 2” and actually didn’t hate it. Yeah, the concept to me was always a little strange but I got what they were aiming for: the car lovers.  I detected a lot of the inside jokes but I was inescapably alienated from the material.  Therefore, I appreciate how easy it would be for others to feel the same way (before kind of tearing John Lasseter a new muffler, as it were). Ah, the life of a black sheep; so easily misunderstood.

But “Tales from Earthsea” is another matter.

Review: "Hanna" - 4/25/11

There seems to be a trend emerging here. It’s nothing really definite yet but I can feel it; kind of like how a raccoon or a deer can smell the air and somehow sense an impending cataclysm. And what is my spidey sense is telling me? That action movies can be art films too.

But I’m not referring to just any movie with Nicholas Cage.

I’m talking about actioners getting serious makeovers from the A-list art-house crowd. Take, for instance Paul Greengrass. Before he was seconded to the “Bourne” franchise he was tackling social issues. Before the “Batman” reboots and “Inception”, Nolan was teasing out issues of philosophy in low-tech thrillers. And really, how the heck did Johnnie To (arguably John Woo’s inheritor) go from helming melodramas to this?

Criticature: "Darkman" - 9/22/10

I remember the first time I saw an ad for “Darkman”. I was about…oh, say 10 or 11? Granted, the comics I was reading at the time were about four or five years older than I was, but it was during this time, flipping through dog-eared copies of Alien spin-offs, that I first set my impressionable eyes on the Struzan-esque image of Peyton Westlake, in relief against a wall of industrial flame and shadow.

Review: "Inception"---7/20/10

I doubt science fiction has ever looked this chic.

Over the course of the weekend, as I’d been tinkering over a few other projects, walking the dog, humoring my dad’s fractured ankle, and ruminating over a second viewing of this summer’s best (not to mention brightest) blockbuster, I came to realize that I was not suffering nearly the same degree of confusion that I had come to expect from Christopher Nolan. And I was a bit sad because of it. At one point during the film,  two women sitting behind me, who seemed to by tripping over the mechanics of “Inception” rather than the story, exclaimed “What’s going on?”

Criticature: "Despicable Me"--7/18/10

Last Airbender, shshaaw!

 If I have kids I know, right now, that they’re going to have to be ugly ones. I want them to be ugly and maybe even somewhat uncouth. Not problem children. Just…easily punishable. I say that now because unless I change within the next, oh, say ten to fifteen years, I might be in big trouble since I find that it’s nearly impossible for me to find fault in something that’s cute. It’s even harder to try and tell that cute thing its doing something wrong. It’s a very troubling matter for me. So…if I end up having cute kids one day, watch out. They’re probably going to be mischievous conniving bastards because I won’t be able to discipline them correctly.

Review: "Predators" 7/14/10

You...one....ugly...mothaf*cka...

The law of averages gives us a cheap, mathematical kind of hope. But it’s hope nonetheless. After two films of such stunningly bad quality as "AVP" and "AVPR", I was starting to wonder if 20th Century Fox had forever squandered one of the most beloved creature-feature franchises this planet has ever known. But just as I was about to rig up another Paul W.S. Anderson dummy in effigy, I happened to stumble upon Nimrod Antal’s “Predators”, a surprisingly faithful reboot of John McTiernan’s singular action classic (let’s face it, the 80’s was only man enough to only handle one Predator).

Review: "Iron Man 2" - 5/17/10

"Eat this, Andretti."

It’s amazing the way one churlish grin from Downey Jr. telegraphs to the rest of us to leave our spidey senses and batarangs at home. But I guess, for an actor who’s as disarmingly impish as he is, it comes with territory where you’ve had to see how bad things will get before you can see how good they are. So with one wise little wink and a nod from our man, and you know that to expect the same serious sensibilities to which most other franchises have attached to themselves would be asking a bit too much. It’s a refreshing fact that most of us appreciate about the first installment of John Favreau’s take on the prodigal entrepreneur turned mechanized wonder.

Review: "Kick-Ass" 4/19/10

Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!

No doubt you’ve gotten your senses (if not your ass) kicked by the viral ad campaign that’s been sweeping every which way in the last few months. And if you’ve caught any of the red-band chaff then you know that the movie’s allure pretty much hinges on its extreme violence, a decidedly uncharacteristic attribute of the men-in-tights genre. In that vein, think of this as the schlocky Clockwork Orange of superhero films, except where Alex DeLarge was essentially the rapist version of Dennis the Menace, Dave Lizewski—a naïve boy wonder who decides he’s had enough of the dull life and suits up to kick ass—is kind of like a masochistic Michael Cera who has a hard time keeping it in his pants. Which is good for us. Because it’s funny. I think...

Review: "Clash of the Titans" - 5/13/10

Why yes, this IS the haircut I had in Terminator Salvation.

Bastards. That would be a more appropriate name for the movie. Clash of the Bastards. No, that’s not a pot-shot at Hollywood. Nor is it one derisively aimed at the people who tossed us yet another re-make. And it’s certainly not some kind of fanciful filmic reference. Put Aldo Raine out of your mind completely. I didn’t misplace my vowels. What I mean to suggest is that, more or less, ‘bastardization’ relates to you the sum parts of this latest sword n’ sandals (and tentacles) epic. But who ever said that was such a bad thing? I personally enjoy the utterance ‘bastard’. Not so much for it’s implication but rather for its sound. It just has a sort of silly reverb to it. Especially for someone with an English accent, of which there are plenty to go around in a movie set in Greece (?)