"Choose Your Own Adventure"

For the past thirty years movie critic Roger Ebert has been the last word in box quotes. He can literally bite his thumb at you and make-or-break your film. So in 2010, when he came out on the Chicago Sun-Times blog and declared that video games could never be art, you can imagine the schism that followed within the nerd community.

Now, I realize that geeks and games have always been synonymous. The two share an almost symbiotic relationship in the cultural development of untold millions of adolescent young boys and girls the world over, myself included.

Film buffs are a different story.

Movie of the Month: "Tulpan" (2008)

I liked “Borat” (there, I said it). Because of that, my expectations were probably tempered in a very strange way. “Tulpan” is decidedly a far-cry from the hirsute TV journalist, as comparatively unoriginal as it may seem.

What makes this Kazakh coming-of-age tale so great is the fact that it is the product of minds that refuse to recognize the pretenses of the romance, nostalgia and fantasy that is so typical of western cultural motifs.

It takes the tired-but-true dilemma of a young man named Asa (yearning for more than this provincial life), returning to the wind-swept plains of his forebears to live with his sister’s family, and invigorates it with a sense of grandeur and gritty nonchalance.

The Rightful Heir: Part II

So here it is, the intermission is over! The anticipation recedes! The truth is revealed! But before you see exactly who I think is the next likely inheritor of John Williams’ deservedly unique position in the art of film scoring, I’d like to say that if you haven’t read Part I of this series, then I suggest you do so now so you can get up to speed with the rest of us.

I’d also like to take this time to explain what I am and am not doing.

Taste in music, much like a sense of humor, is often akin to one’s sexual preferences. It’s not something you really choose. It just kind of happens. That said, don’t complain about what I’m NOT doing here.

I’m not talking about who is necessarily better in terms of scoring nor am I talking about who is more prolific or more of a house-hold name. I’m talking about who is most like our dear old pal John. So let’s take a look at the winners, shall we? 

MOTM: "Solo Con Tu Pareja" or 'Only with your Partner' (1991)

While the feature-length debut of director Alfonso Cuaron could be seen merely as a showcase for the tenderly sultry Claudia Ramirez—known in Mexico largely for her early telenovela roles—“Love in the Time of Hysteria” (the English release title) revives the romantic melodrama in ways that haven’t been seen north of the Rio Grande for some time. 

Because at its heart, this movie is a dark comedy. More a spoof of love sickness than a glorification of it.

The Rightful Heir: Part I

 

Okay, so this kind of music doesn't work ALL the time, but like one of those obnoxious yellow rental jeeps you see everywhere in Hawaii, John (Towner) Williams (Junior) has been one of the most prolific, successful and accomplished film composers in the world since…well…ever.

Who hasn’t heard a university pep band bellow the Imperial March when things aren’t looking too good for the home team? When has the devastatingly simple two-note motif from Jaws not been a portent of doom? Come on. Just admit it. Any time you heard the Raider’s March you wished you owned a bullwhip and knew some Nazis who needed a what-fer. And when you heard the Superman theme you’d run down the street, ripping off your clothes in slow motion, only to realize moments after leaping off of a building that you actually couldn’t fly.

Criticature: "Scream 4" (2011)

With the exception of a couple admittedly well-thought-out little twinkles, this self-aware reboot of a decade-old franchise is like that guy you'll sometimes see in a bar or a nightclub. The one wearing the gold chain necklace and has just a tuft of chest hair strategically exposed. The one leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette or playing with a poker chip...

MOTM: "The American Astronaut" (2001)

Try to dissect the following phrase:

“He's a birthday boy. He kills without reason. If he has no reason to kill you, then he can kill you. But if he has a reason to kill you, then he's got a problem. Because if he kills you without resolving that problem, then you'd be dead, and the problem would live on forever, unresolved.”

It sounds odd but that’s the kind of person who is hunting Samuel Curtis, the so-called “American Astronaut”. And that is the world in which he lives. He’s an interplanetary trader carousing the dives and blue-collar corrals of deep space. And his most recent job? Deliver the “Boy Who Saw a Woman’s Breast” at the behest of his smuggler buddy, the Blueberry Pirate, to a planet of women in exchange for the body of the former monarch of Venus.

Thus is a descriptor of the only science-fiction western musical you will probably ever see. Sounds kind of like a deadpan version of “Spaceballs”, right?

Criticature: "Enter the Void" (2009)

Described by its creator as a “psychedelic melodrama”, the mammoth festival cut of Gaspar Noé's “Enter the Void” is at once a profound meditation on the human perception of death as well as an utterly unwatchable piece of indulgent Eurotrash nonsense. Combined, the two experiences make for a flawed masterpiece.

For anyone who has cared to check out the one or two previous films to the director’s credit you are aware that he does not shy away from the disturbing or the ugly. But if you’re aware of that then you’re probably aware of how memorable his camerawork is too.

‘Dizzying’ would be putting in lightly.

MOTM: "Carlos - The Miniseries" (2010)

There are two versions of Oliver Assayas’s epic, slow-burn, globe-trotting examination of the terrorist Illich Ramirez Sanchez, better known by his nom de guerre, “The Jackal”.

I'm opting for the bigger, badder, meaner cut.

The inspiration for numerous villains in countless spy films and novels, the title character at the center of this 326-minute roadshow version of the French-produced drama (originally aired in 3 parts for the Gallic tube) is at once a producer and product of his times.

Review: "Project X" (2012)

To invite a cheap comparison to a wedding speech, Merriam-Webster defines ‘glory’ (noun: \glȯr-ē\) in one of five distinct ways. The first is “a praise, honor or distinction extended by common consent”. In other words, via popular demand. 

In that, this film definitely succeeds (see the audience aggregate).

Not to be confused with the 2004 Jim Shepard novel of the same name, the Todd Phillips-produced “Project X” is an 88-minute found-footage teen sex comedy laced with a “Heart of Darkness” tang. It follows three high-school seniors as they attempt to singularly reverse their less-than-spectacular reputations in a single night. To accomplish this, they set out to hold “the most epic party of all time”.

But when the guest list swells to 1,000 plus, that's when things start to get out of hand...

Criticature: "Ondine"

Though this be a modern-day fairy tale, it hardly feels like one. The title character of this film—who goes by the name “Ondine” (a play on the water elemental of the same name in German folklore)—winds up tangled in the net of a fisherman (Farrell) and, as luck would have it, the two fall in love.

 It sounds like the stuff of an olde sea shanty but the style and a couple of contrivances make it anything but. And where serendipity begins, confusion soon follows.

Criticature: "Touche pas à la femme blanche" ('Don't Touch the White Woman!' (1974))

If indifference is a disease then one might start analogize the artists of society as the doctors who fight it. And as far as this one loaded yawp is concerned, there’s about as much lasting power as a handful of Walgreens tylenol. 

This Franco-Italian Western set in the heart of 1960s Paris takes an absurdist look at the Battle of Little Bighorn in a way that is about as subtle as a scalping.  As irresistible as all that sounds, it makes for typical bleeding heart boredom.

Criticature: "Blue Valentine"

Since Ryan Gosling has had such a great year I have no qualms about the mediocrity of this drama. I heard a lot of buzz about this movie and, in honor of Valentine’s Day, it just seemed appropriate that I take it for a spin. I went in knowing that it is “depressing” (according to some friends) but I decided to give it a go, what with my penchant for masochism and all.

As if it wasn’t clear already, I was pretty underwhelmed by the resolution. But that just might be because I’m a sour-puss.

MOTM: "The War Game"

It’s understandable that Peter Watkins’ 50-minute made-for-TV ‘documentary’ about nuclear holocaust in the town of Rochester, Kent has languished in the shadow of Stanley Kubrick’s “Dr. Strangelove”, which had premiered only a year prior.

Where Kubrick’s version is witty, absurd and ultimately surreal, director Watkins’s take on the possibility of nuclear combat is unsparing, brutal and thoroughly convincing. Kubrick’s vision was a fable. This, though, is a nightmare. 

Beginning with a hypothetical Chinese invasion of South Vietnam, the outbreak of a “limited engagement” in West Berlin between the Soviets and NATO tenders the US authorization of surface-to-surface nuclear artillery on the battlefield following a rout.

Review: "Uncertainty" (2009)

As irresistible as this film appears to be, don’t be thrown by the pretenses of the “indie virus”. Now, you may be unfamiliar with the aforementioned malady but let me be plain: it is no laughing matter.

Beware. The contaminant is subtle but significant. Its deception, of both the makers and the viewers, is tempting and total. It occurs when a fledgling director has taken the necessary steps to acquire a basic knowledge of films and its techniques. Armed with the insularities standard of higher education these starry-eyed kids brimming with ego try out every tool at their disposal, bombarding their audience in an attempt to prove just about anything.

“Uncertainty” is among the infected.

MOTM: "Who Can Kill a Child?" (¿Quién puede matar a un niño?)

An eerie lullaby leads a savage parade of dark black-and-white images depicting kids ravaged by war, abuse and pestilence in the opening scenes of this icy Spanish thriller, the implication being that what is about to unfold in this movie is not entirely without karmic recourse.

Forget the corny international titles plaguing this film. “Isle of the Damned.” “Death is Child’s Play.” “The Killer’s Playground.” “Lucifer’s Curse.” Somehow, the production company American International thought the name “TRAPPED!” sounded good.

Criticature: "Starter for 10"

Writing negative criticism is fun. I admit that much. It’s definitely more fun than writing something that is gushy and overflowing with praise. And it is precisely for such reasons that the following review of Tom Vaughn’s charming college-bound coming-of-age tale is only going to be somewhat amusing. Because that is what the movie is.

In step with a wave of nostalgic 80’s-themed retrospectives of the last decade or so, “SFT” follows whiz-kid Brian Jackson (McAvoy) during his freshman year at Bristol as he attempts to prove his worth, both to himself and to his romantic pursuits, on the quiz show University Challenge.

Movie of the Month: "Castaway on the Moon" ('Kimssi pyoryugi')

I first saw a pirated print of this movie (I know, *gasp*, right?) about two years ago with my roommates. To my everlasting chagrin I never got the chance to finish it (thank you, senior thesis paper).

Until now, that is. And as someone who doesn’t get out enough or sate my senses with enough positivity, I can honestly say I’m glad I was finally able to because it’s not often that you get a chance to see a reverse-engineered flick that turns out to be this damn good.

Thoughts: Don't be Afraid to Laugh

Do you remember that episode of “Doug” where everyone in Yancey’s class gets all hyped up to see that scary movie? And as it happens our eponymous hero gets all woebegone because he thinks he’s the only person who closed his eyes in a sweat-induced flight-or-fight moment when it came to the “big reveal” of the monster lurking in the shadows?

Well, that dynamic pretty much sums up my history with horror movies.

I used to hate them. I hated anything that was even remotely frightening. I used to actually run out of the room every time the face-melt scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” happened. I even had this ritualistic prayer I’d whisper to myself every time I went to bed to ward off the nightmares that would inevitably accrue after viewing something particularly unsettling.

Movie of the Month: "All Dogs Go to Heaven"

 

Don Bluth’s 1989 classic about a huckster canine who is killed and returns to Earth by cheating death is part of a small collection of animated gems that are oft forgotten.

And if that description sounds a bit heavy for a kid’s movie then you would be right. It is heavy. It’s also fun, unashamed and features Burt Reynolds. Oh, and did I mention that, among others, this film helped spark the Disney Renaissance?