Need a Lyrical Miracle! Part 1

    I am displeased to announce that Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" not only was the first number one of the new decade, but has thus far held the spot for the entire month of January. In case you missed the derisive banter, here's my schpeel about it. This, however, certainly isn't a post about revisiting former topics (still too new to be doing that methinks!), but if we're talking about bad lyrics, you can pretty much select any line out of that song. And we, indeed, will be talking bad lyrics here.
    Well, I suppose when one thinks of popular music, deep, intelligent lyrical compositions don't tend to make the first place dash to remembrance. It's almost too easy to look at the hit songs and pick out questionable word choice and rhymes. BUT, for this first entry in a very large series, I'm sure, that is just what we will do! I'll say this now though, to clarify: Bad lyrics do not necessarily mean a bad song. They are a major portion, true, but a song with abominable words can still be a fun listen- even if it cannot be taken seriously. With that, Let's dive in! Stepping right off of Ke$ha's drunken number, we have the chart-topper:

"Boom Boom Pow" by The Black Eyed Peas
with the lyric
"I'm so three-thousand-and-eight, you're so two-thousand-and-LATE"
    So there's a few quirky quotes to choose, but this is my favorite to rip on. When I first heard it, I thought Fergie claimed she was so 2008, which seemed off considering the song was released in '09. She was already the two-thousand-and-late one in my mind at that point. Then I heard the three, and got to thinking about what that truly meant. I mean, putting a year into the lyrics makes the tune dated. Anytime you hear some 90's band proudly stating "Yeeaah, 1994!" nowadays, you cringe in your stomach and choke back an awkward laugh about awkward times, before sadly thinking, "man, that was 16 years ago." (By the way, that video referenced there is HILARIOUS for anyone who grew up in those times). Claiming a false year? Well obviously, the intention here revolves around her style and whatnot being futuristic and therefore, she's above all else. More technically, I suppose, she has got that Boom Boom Pow?
    I guess the second goal is to not have the song reach a dated end, since it will be quite a while 'til then. But I really wish I could live to see the people of 3008 listening to this song. Can you imagine? The chance of humanity's destruction aside, music will continue to evolve, culture will differ... "I gotta feelin'" that being "so 3008" will have nothing to do with "HD flats," "Satellite Radio," or "Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom." Which does not sound very appetizing anyhow... Do you want the Black Eyed Peas to shit on you with the boom boom??
    Besides. Two-Thousand-and-Late isn't even a real year. :P

"All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers.
with the lyric
"I Got Soul but I'm Not a Soldier"
    I never really liked this line, but it wasn't until I heard British comedian Bill Bailey tear it apart that I began thinking about it more. Though the quality is sad, you can see in this clip at about 30 seconds in he claims the line is "drivel" and makes about as much sense as "I got ham but I'm not a hamster." He just made the crack; now let me hammer in the ice pick!
    The Killers must find this slogan important. It must be, for the line is chanted... 10 times... in one minute... with a full chorus... in a five minute song... (that's 1/5 of the song, mind you!) repetition breeds significance, right? Obviously, the well-established fact of all soldiers having soul makes the singer anxious. He has soul, goddammit, but he's not a soldier!! What's wrong with him? Can it be possible that a person with soul need not be a warrior? Nahh... I mean Aretha Franklin and Marvin Gaye donned their combat gear as soon as their legendary soul careers came to prominence. Quite the pressing issue. Must be why the singer keeps pleading that someone has "gotta help [him] out."
    Bonus points: I found a list that random internet users compiled playing off of the ham/hamster deal. Most aren't too stellar, but my favorites are "I got pain but I'm not a painter," "I got pie but I'm not a pirate," and "I got you but I'm not a U-Boat."
    At the risk of a long post, one more:

"Gonna Make you Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" by The C+C Music Factory
with the lyrics
"It's your world, and I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut to move your butt to the dance floor."
    Do I have to go any further? It speaks for itself. For some songs, people hear the words but don't listen to the lyrics. This song exists solely for the electro-beat, rhythm of the rap, and "Everybody Dance Now!" hook. Unless you want your head to explode, I suggest keeping it that way.